unproductiveness + amazing canadian band

It's, for all technical terms, Friday. So 5 days into my study plan, and I have accomplished Zilch! This is pretty pathetic. But Alas, I keep telling myself, the work gets done, the marks are decent'ish (excluding all the accounting crap) so need to stress so much on being disciplined in my study plan. My "plan" says that I should have accomplished doing a read through and taking notes for the first two topics of both modules, but like I said I have accomplished nil. Tomorow is my last free time to start on my Strategy Management assignment, as my weekend is packed full with two back-to-back 10am-10pm shifts. Kinda asked for it though, the tiredness, I could have just taken the initial one shift, but why I still okay'ed the two shifts. Oh well, too late to change, guess Monday will be (as usual) rushing through to finish, minutes before the due date exact time. Why was I so disciplined when I was doing that ethics module? Ironic eh?

I am absolutely happy, that I have passed Management Accounting. So this is the last of the three horrible accounting modules, that I had to do, and now it's all over, the marks went from bad to crap (but above a pass, that's all that matters). Credit --> P1 --> P2 .. all the way downgrade, but all the way the subject was just ununderstandable to me. I find it very odd, because in Financial Accounting the lecturer was top notch, organized and I totally understood the material in the four days lecture, then he abandons us, and I nearly died. Same goes for Management Accounting, I really enjoyed class, the way the lecturer explained the stuff and made it relatable to everyday instances made me want to do so well in that class, yet I still bombed it. But I'll gladly take a P2, as I just cannot afford a fail, I can't afford the $2000 it would have cost to retake, nor can I afford to prolongue my graduation. It's just one of these subjects that I will just never excel in. But thank-u God, for getting me through those three extremely challenging topics.

So I am on my last two modules, both are alright. I can't explain why but I want to do really well for the ICHRM class, kinda want to show the lecturer something. It's inexplicable why that is so though. So that is my driving force, I don't just want to do well, I want to do brilliant! Ha... how optimistic of me.

Yep, the tunnel is coming to the end of its journey, I can't believe it I have finished and passed 10 modules, the end is near. Though my last day of UNISA class is August 1, Still have two classes in November and December, kinda lousy timing but nothing that I can do about that. The more and more, I see the end of this journey in my life, the whole studying bit, the more i don't want it to be the end.

Why? Because I am so unsure, I don't know what I want. Is it because I am so pessimistic? So materialistic? Mr Basil Tucker, said something that so stuck with me in class, and it's so applicable to me. I actually love this question, it's kinda so simple, so straight forward yet it answers so much.

THe question: If you had all the money in world, you went on all your vacations, travelled, bought all the cars, houses things you wanted, now you have a life to live, what would you be doing?

THe answer to that, is what I should be doing NOW, and you know I kinda answered that question. If money was no issue, and I was totally satisfied of my naive materialistic wants/needs what WOULD I be doing? I'd be opening my own restaurant, working back and front of house, I'm not looking for a big money making corporation, just a nice smal, unique homey-feel place. Yep, that's what I want. That's my ambition, it really is being an entrepreneur, so why am I studying? Why spend all this money and time to study for a degree which I feel I have gathered so little in return. Knowledge wise, very little. It's a pity to say that, but it's the truth. Sure there are the few classes, the few subjects and the couple of people whom I am highly grateful for, for the things they have shared and taught me. But how am I going to succeed?

I still don't know what I want, for myself. And I know I definitely can't answer this question, not any time soon. No matter how long I would spend reflecting on this topic, I couldn't come to a conclusion. THe pessimistic in me, tells me the reason why that is so, is because the realist in me grabs ambitions and dreams out my heart. I've seen and experienced heart break, faillures too much, to make it feel like just normalcy, big dreams and big ambitions are for the few and very little. ...hmm like I said, this is the pessimistic in me speaking.

Other subject, was at Scape today, saw this incredible band called "Quinzy" this band is awesome, after just having heard 15 minutes of their set, I'm like a die-hard fan now, it's incredible. They got amazing stage presence, and they sound spot on and clean live, and the lead singer is totally emo when he is on stage, i love that, really takes the lyrics and message in them to the next level. I felt really bad for them though, I think the audience was me, the what 5-6 person techincal crew and 4-5 other random strangers, yet they still played (at least it appeared that to me) full blast. Man, they deserved a crowd, they really did. I'm glad I bought both their EP's because I am absolutely LOVING al their songs, not sure under what category they would be under though, rock/pop/indie ish. I feel a bit like a fool, when I approached them and told them they sounded like this other Canadian Band, which I come to realize they actualy don't sound like them at all. I can totally picture it, the four guys at the back going "the hell, we don't sound like OLP" oh well, I'm glad I showed a bit of support.

So that's that. What else, what else can I waste this tiny space of internet on? Oh yes, I am officially broke. Having paid the last chunk of fees due to my upcoming additional classes, I am living on the non-existent tips I get from work. HA!

Speaking of work, I don't know why I feel so obsessive compulsive, I looked up service reviews on the internet. And found a review, when I was reading it, I realized that in that scenario I was the unlucky waitress of which this 'blogger' was complaining and dissing about. I really could go on and on to defend my stance on that, but I won't. No point. But I'll just say, it's like a stab in the heart. Really, though I don't really show it, I do pride in my work, it's bassically all I have at the moment, and to be told off like that. I think what hurts the most was that it felt so unjustified, if this couple was so unhappy with me, why did they not tell me at the time, why only later 'blog' it. It kinda makes this nomination I got for great service from my manager feel totally unmeritted. it doesn't "kinda" make it feel like that, it does completely. You know, just reading that article, I felt gosh I really am such a bad waitress? I'm not worthy. I don't deserve to even be declared the fact that I've been nominated. Ugh. It's funny. I could serve 10 couples, and 9 out of the 10 could say I'm awesome at serving them, and 1 couple could be 'unhappy' well that would totally screw me, like I said, a stab in the heart. Why can I let 1 out of 10 and ignore the 9 others get the best of me? Why do I let the pessimism in me drain me like so?

Gosh, too much thinking tonight. Need to chill, need to stop...stop stop ..